The Cave

I can't take it anymore...the stress....the hate...the anger... how is she soooo perfect...why does everyone think she's so spetacular....she's sleeping with my husband..how does that make her a good person? I don't care how "good" she may or may not be with the kids...He's married to me... he proposed to me... I fucked him I got pregnant with HIS baby and I'm HIS wife... she's the mistress... she's trash, she's fat, she's ugly... she's nothing to be proud of...so why does everyone think she's so perfect??? Am I completely missing something here???
I'm tired of my friends defending her - she knew damn well we were married - she was a "family" friend...she knew. She saw an opportunity and she took it and because of that I'm so broken I don't even know where to start over. I've had a couple dates...in fact I have an amazing guy right now but I can't commit and every time I see myself getting close I back off because I can't bring myself to trust my heart, my soul, my being to another person again.
Everyone tells me...just move on...well how am I supposed to just "move on" when the man that I fell in love with..that I married...and whose child I had is now fucking another woman...is telling me daily what a monster I am...trying to report me to DFS because she has a diaper rash - which happens here and there while he doesn't send her home with a coat...or shoes...or socks...
I just want to tap out and call it a day... I don't want to get up out of bed anymore and I've given custody of my oldest to her father because I just want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to be around anybody and I don't want any human interaction except to answer the phones at work.. I want to crawl into a deep dark black hole and I don't want to come out because of fear that someone is going to betray me again that someone who I put what little trust I have in...is going to turn on me...because it always happens... I can't do this anymore... I can't keep waking up and faking a smile when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry...I can't keep walking around like nothing is wrong when all i want to do is go out and do a line... I just can't do this and I'm tired of doing this all on my own... I want a break... I want peace...and I just want to go back to when I was actually truly happy....

What Hurts The Most

So he tried to run with Haiden last night. I am getting so fed up with this. I'm tired of the drama, I'm tired of the mistress, I'm tired of it all and just want it to go away. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face when in reality all I want to do is just put a bullet thru my brain and just end it all. I keep going back and forth on things - I want my husband back but the man he has become is someone I don't even want to touch. I want to be happy - but I want to be happy with my husband. Nobody makes me smile or feel like he did - but this darkness he has become isn't whom I fell in love with nor the person I knew.
Klara is special - not only did she have the officer rolling last night because she called a silver car white but she didn't even know the make or the model - ok hun - my husband is living with you with my child and you don't know the make or model of any of his vehicles...so I had to straighten her up about that then I preceeded to tell her how all of this clusterfuck was her fault because she couldn't keep her pussy from falling on my husbands cock. Then she tried to freak out and I stopped her right there and told her there is no need for her to freak out because that's MY husband... yes.. MY husband the man I made vows to... and MY daughter ... the one I carried in my belly for 9 months.. missing not yours so please sit down and play with yourself because when I'm done with both of you thats all thats going to be happening.
I have changed but the anger that woman shoots through my body is like that of 1,000 habenero peppers... it's unreal....I couldn't do it I just wanted to hit a bitch...
I dreamed last night my hubby came home to me - I know it will never happen but a girl can dream right....

You're Not Sorry

"All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no no oh" - Taylor Swift - You're Not Sorry

I wasted so much time hoping my husband would come back to me. It's not worth it - he's not sorry for what he did. He moved in with her..he hurt me - he sees nothing wrong with it - I have yet to recieve a sincere apology - even if he did apologize I don't know if I would believe him. I have moved on.. I'm happy now. I realized that I don't need a man to make me happy. I may be struggling still with anger and hatred .... but overall I'm a much happier person...Just heard this song and it touched me. It felt exactly how I was feeling..and I hate taylor swift so that says a lot. 

I can't wait to find true love - if it even exists ...but today I was told I was beautiful and that I was perfect by the man I was married to for 3 years and have been divorced from for 2. That meant everything in the world to me - if the man that cheated on me would sit there and tell me  he would do anything in the world to have me back I can't be that bad right...

There is so much wrong with me - but I am perfect..I am beautiful..I am me...

What is Love?? Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me... What is love????

love

  [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. (Dictionary.com)

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie,love?

What is love? Does it really exist? Do second chances really happen?? These are questions I have been pondering all week. This week all I've wanted to do is just end it all..put things in place for my girls - go the the Katy Trail where it's beautiful and serene and just end it all. Escape from reality...escape from the pain, the hopelessness, the depression, the anxiety, the constant mocking, and the constant misery. But then my 4 year old and 9 month old came to me and that all changed and I realized love does exist..love is real...it just wasn't in the form that I expected. 
When I look at my girls I see unconditional love - no matter how angry I get or how many times they irritate me and no matter what I do they still love me - they still come running..or crawling...to me when they get a "boo boo" or as my daughter says " they hurt my heart". They love me for me...not for my money - that amazingly enough doesn't exist... - not for my career.... not for anything else but for me. And that to me is the most genuine love a person can have. 
It may have taken me a while to realize this - but I now got it - something my soon to be ex doesn't understand -  I am happy...VERY happy...being alone... you don't need someone - and you can't properly love someone - until you love yourself - until you are happy with yourself... until you are healed... none of which I have accomplished - so until then I will keep loving my babies and learn to love myself as they love me - unconditonally. 

" Thanks to you I got a new thing started, Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted, THANKS TO YOU I'M FINALLY THINKING ABOUT ME,  You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning...." - Kelly Clarkson - Stronger 

Betrayal

Betrayal is the one thing that kills me every time. You say one thing but then your actions say something completely different. For example - there is no such thing as "just friends" especially when you are the phone with this "just friend" all night and all day...and then first thing in the morning. Now I'm not usually a jealous person...but with what I have been through...and I've told you everything...I'd expect a little more respect than that. I don't care if she's prego - that's never stopped anyone before. How do I know that you guys aren't catching feelings..I mean hell I've been next to you this whole time and seen that stupid little smile on your face when you are talking to her...I've been through this...twice now...I'm not fucking stupid....

#1 Got Married WAY too soon - he cheated on me with multiple people - using his phone and my computer - was on his phone 24/7

#2 Got Married - the bastard began cheating on me with that homewrecking whore not even a month after we were married - using facebook and POF....and his PHONE

So seriously - I have trust issues especially when it comes to "just a friend" that you happen to be on the phone with 24/7. So seriously - if it doesn't stop I'm really going to be gone - and I won't look back this time.

Sorry for the rant this week but I'm going through a lot and I just don't understand what's going on.

Where's God When I'm Scared....

This really hit me today - so a little intro from Veggie Tales...

God is bigger than the boogie man - He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV...OH God is bigger than the boogie man and He's watching out for you and me!

It's true - God is bigger than whatever my "boogie man" may be... whether it be my broken heart..my anger...my resentment..God is bigger than that  and He is watching out for me. He's there for me no matter what.
This week hasn't been easy. I met a guy about a month ago and we started hanging out - I saw myself getting close so I immediately did whatever I had to in order to get it to end - and it did. I fell in love with his kids and his kids got really attached to me as well. Tonight he's coming back over on his own - I didn't ask him to - because he wants to work things out - that's a new one for me. My anger and my emotions have been on a rampage this week and I don't know why. Well I do - Satan saw a door and thought that he could slip his evil little hand in and ruin me. But then of course Momma had to turn on Veggie Tales - it wasn't for me - well that's not why I was turning it on. My daughter starts school tomorrow - Preschool - but it's all day long 3 days a week and I'm not ready for this. My baby is growing up and it's so not easy. I see a lot of me in her and I'm glad that she is getting the opportunity to gain the same Christian education that I received. Then on top of everything my wallet with my rent money, grocery money, and car insurance check (to get my car fixed) was in it....so now I'm at square one and trusting God to provide in what seems an impossible situation. But it did get better today - I got an email from Pathways - a mental health institution not to far from here asking me if I was interested in an position that they have open. I said yes - I have an interview Thursday at 10. EEEKKKK!!!! I'm so excited - it's not Biggs - but it's mental health and an answer to my prayers.

Well I have to finish cleaning but want to leave with this -
God promises never to leave us nor forsake us - when it gets hard and it seems like nobody is around and nobody cares - God is there - just give it to him and it will all work out. I feel happiness popping up - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a while and it's amazing.

With love until next time,
Dani

Starting New

Today as I sit behind this computer screen I am battling anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, and hatred. Not even one month after I was married my husband began cheating on me. Now we aren't even divorced yet and he's moving in with that homewrecking whore and will have our 9 month old 50% of the time. People tell me that I need to "just pray about it" others "trust in God" and my pastor..."just let God handle them" ... how can I just sit back and watch this whore..whom isn't even pretty...is ginormous... and lives over an hour away totally wreck my family...then I sit down with my friend Kay and look over my relationship with this bastard and I realize that I'm better off without...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

I don't know the plans God has for me. I don't have a clue what's in my future...but I do know that when nobody else is there for me...my amazing...loving...always there for me to cry on His shoulder...to yell at...forgiving...God is there for me...no matter what...I just have to call on Him. I may be sad now, I'm hurt, and I'm completely broken, BUT God has placed amazing people in my life. One is a guy named Tyrone who has gone through a similiar situation and my Kay - who has gone through what I have twice. Today I am vowing to give up my anger, my resentment, depression, anxiety, and hatred over to God. I can't begin anew with all that baggage...I can't become the amazing woman God wants me to with that baggage and I can't be the mother I am meant to be with that baggage. This blog will not only serve as an outlet for me but I am hoping that someone will come across it and it will help them as well.