The Cave

I can't take it anymore...the stress....the hate...the anger... how is she soooo perfect...why does everyone think she's so spetacular....she's sleeping with my husband..how does that make her a good person? I don't care how "good" she may or may not be with the kids...He's married to me... he proposed to me... I fucked him I got pregnant with HIS baby and I'm HIS wife... she's the mistress... she's trash, she's fat, she's ugly... she's nothing to be proud of...so why does everyone think she's so perfect??? Am I completely missing something here???
I'm tired of my friends defending her - she knew damn well we were married - she was a "family" friend...she knew. She saw an opportunity and she took it and because of that I'm so broken I don't even know where to start over. I've had a couple dates...in fact I have an amazing guy right now but I can't commit and every time I see myself getting close I back off because I can't bring myself to trust my heart, my soul, my being to another person again.
Everyone tells me...just move on...well how am I supposed to just "move on" when the man that I fell in love with..that I married...and whose child I had is now fucking another woman...is telling me daily what a monster I am...trying to report me to DFS because she has a diaper rash - which happens here and there while he doesn't send her home with a coat...or shoes...or socks...
I just want to tap out and call it a day... I don't want to get up out of bed anymore and I've given custody of my oldest to her father because I just want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to be around anybody and I don't want any human interaction except to answer the phones at work.. I want to crawl into a deep dark black hole and I don't want to come out because of fear that someone is going to betray me again that someone who I put what little trust I have in...is going to turn on me...because it always happens... I can't do this anymore... I can't keep waking up and faking a smile when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry...I can't keep walking around like nothing is wrong when all i want to do is go out and do a line... I just can't do this and I'm tired of doing this all on my own... I want a break... I want peace...and I just want to go back to when I was actually truly happy....